ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize