It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
