yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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