the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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