i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
