it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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