I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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