nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
