can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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