4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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