So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
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