True but thats because hes a fetus.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
