Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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