I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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