Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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