i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
