I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
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Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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