Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
