Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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