dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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