I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
