So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
