...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
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