His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
