Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
