I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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