I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
