Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I would fuck him just for his dog
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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