I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Randomize
