That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
