My sheets look like a crime scene.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
