I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i came on her dog
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
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My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
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i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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