please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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