I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
