My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
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By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
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You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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