apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
