I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
