You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
