I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
