when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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