Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
