You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
