i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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