I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
