I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
