I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
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