You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
