I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
