Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
