i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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