I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Randomize
