God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
