The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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