I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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